Intellectual Apocalypse - RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR

The Italian film industry is famous for its shameless knock-offs of successful genre movies, particularly in the ‘70s and ‘80s.  There were STAR WARS rip-offs (STARCRASH), ALIEN rip-offs (CONTAMINATION), DAWN OF THE DEAD rip-offs (a sub-genre all its own).  The best ones, or the most entertaining ones, I should say, followed the basic framework of the original film, but then veered off in unique or insane directions.  Italian directors were brazen with what they got away with, but only Bruno Mattei had the balls to simultaneously rip-off both THE ROAD WARRIOR and THE BIRDS in the same movie.  The result, 1984’s RATS: NIGHT OF TERROR, is a mind boggling wonder to behold.

The Capsule:

In 225 A.B. (After the Bomb), a motley band of scavenging bike punks seem to have hit the jackpot when they find an abandoned building packed with food, purified water, and comfy beds.  The only drawback is the slight rat infestation.  This turns out to be a larger issue than the punks anticipated, because while the rats look like ordinary, easy to abuse vermin, they have mutated into clever, carnivorous little horrors.  One by one, the punks fall prey to the diminutive beasts.  By the time they realize what is happening, it is too late; the hungry hoards have them trapped.  It comes down to a battle of wits between human and rat, and these humans are sorely, embarrassingly outmatched.  

The movie begins with a very loaded text scroll (and a voiceover, in case you don’t want to read).  It explains that there was a nuclear war in 2015 that destroyed all five (!) of Earth’s continents.  The survivors, known as the New Humanity, found protection underground.  A century later, a bunch of teenagers get fed up with New Humanity’s bogus rules, dress codes, curfews, and what not.  I’m assuming they are teens, the text doesn’t specify.  Anyway, the young turks blow off the underground to party on the surface.  They are dubbed the New Primitives, and New Humanity really hates them because all they do is drive their motorbikes around all day and play their music too loudly.  

Alright, now that you have digested all that, just forget about it because it doesn’t really have anything to do with the actual movie.  I’m not even sure it was written for this film.  Maybe they just had a spare post-apocalyptic text scroll lying around and decided to throw it on the screen.  

Mattei made some dumb movies in his day (all of them, really).  With RATS, however, he declares an all-out War On Intelligence.  The bikers do not specifically refer to themselves as New Primitives, but the moniker is very appropriate (and not just because they all dress like they are in an Adam Ant video).  Everyone seems to have a six-year old's understanding of technology.  The most common response when something stops working is to shake it, whine, and throw it on the floor.  Early on, one of the characters finds a fancy sci-fi computer.  As he confidently starts flipping switches, I think, oh, this is the electronics expert in the group.  No, it turns out he thought it was some kind of video game and was just pushing buttons at random.  Even plastic bags seem to be too sophisticated for them, as seen when one guy just tucks into a bag of brown sugar without opening it first.  Even the rats know not to eat the plastic.  These people would get themselves killed on an escalator, I have no idea how they managed to survive this long in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.  

It should be noted that these rats are not monsters.  They don’t have mutated features, extra-long claws, or enormous bodies.  They are just a bunch of average white lab rats, painted grey to make them seem scarier and less adorable.  The humans treat them like an evolutionarily superior super-predator, though.   The hysteria prone Myrna (Ann-Gisel Glass) freaks out every time she sees one.  Or a spider.  Or a candy wrapper.  Deus (Fausto Lombardi, aka Tony Lombardo), the deep one dressed like a Hari Krishna, goes on about all the fatal diseases contractible from rat bites (while they are suspensefully creeping up a rat filled stairway.  Geez, pick your moment, Deus).  Kurt (Ottaviano Dell'Acqua, aka Richard Raymond), the fearful leader, straight up admits “They’re stronger than us!” after most of his crew becomes rat food.  The rats themselves spend most of their time milling about, watching the action and trying to wipe off the grey from their fur.

The rats don't have to take much initiative, anyway.  The humans do a fantastic job of getting themselves killed all on their own.  One guy gets drunk and falls into the rat filled sewer.  Several people just stand there as a torrent of rats pour down on top of them.  A lady gets trapped in her sleeping bag because she can’t figure out how zippers work.  Another one literally gives up and kills herself due to the pressure of attempting to outsmart a rodent.  

In the few instances where the rats actually have to do things, they handle themselves well.  They are good jumpers, especially when aiming for the face or neck.  They can batter down a door somehow, which is impressive, though not scientifically sound.  Near the end, with their superiority so clearly established, they just start fucking with the humans for fun.  They move corpses around to freak them out, and even throw the sleeping bag girl’s body through a doorway.  Again, I’m not sure exactly how that works with their tiny little rat arms.  In a particularly non rat-like trick, they burrow into a corpse and control it like a puppet, before exploding out of its back.  At this point, they are just showing off.

It’s not just the rats that the humans have to worry about, either.  Duke (Henry Luciani) continuously plots to depose Kurt as the leader of the group.  He is hindered by the fact that he is such a cowardly little fuck that no one can stand him.  The only person he can get on his side when he stages his coup is Myrna, and honestly, she would follow anyone who wasn’t a rat.  He pulls the classic dick move of locking the others out of a safe room, he steals their only surviving vehicle (which everyone somehow forgot they had for a while), and tries to kill them with a machine gun.  Luckily, he doesn’t understand how to reload the machine gun, so he threatens to blow himself and Myrna up with a grenade unless everyone gives up.  He clearly doesn’t understand how threats work either.

The thing is, Duke has a point.  Kurt is possibly the worst leader ever.  When one of his team comes in covered in rats, Kurt attempts to get them off with a flamethrower.  He sends people on dangerous and ultimately worthless missions that just get them killed.  He insists on remaining in the rat filled building instead of, say, driving away in their fake tank (not that it worked out any better for Duke).  Here is an example of his reasoning:  “They can’t be smart enough to be luring us out into the open, so I’m going to call their bluff and go out there!”  It’s not just the dub, he sounds just as stupid in Italian.  

The single competent human in the movie is the black woman named (shudder) Chocolate.  She’s no Pam Grier, but Chocolate is tough, confident, and doesn’t take any shit.  Not only does she make it through the entire movie without doing anything particularly stupid (aside from hanging out with these losers), she has a few legitimately clever moments.  When Duke and Myrna have the jump on her, she makes Myrna freak out about a rat so the panicked woman will knock down Duke long enough for Chocolate to grab his weapon.  Well played, Chocolate.  Sorry about the name.

There are apparently a few intelligent folks left on Earth, because the bikers eventually find a recording from the scientists who were doing tests in the building before the rats came.  They were smart enough to build the water purifier and the hydroponic garden, but not smart enough to put their protective uniforms back on when the rats attacked.  The movie acts like this recording is a major reveal of information, but the scientist just recounts all the things that have already been shown.  It basically ends with “Oh, by the way, watch out for the rats.”  Book smart, rat stupid.

Normally I wouldn’t want to spoil an ending like this, but it is just too beautiful not to talk about.  Just as everything seems hopeless for the two remaining humans, Chocolate and Video (Gianni Franco, aka Richard Cross), a bunch of guys in yellow rain slickers and gas masks emerge from the sewer and start gassing the rats.  Chocolate and Video wake up surrounded by the rain slicker dudes and begin thanking them for coming to their rescue.  The dudes watch silently, until one pulls off his gas mask to reveal… a giant, furry rat face!  This is not an out-of-nowhere shock ending, like the one in PIECES.  They tease out the suspense.  You can practically hear the movie debating its next move.  Look, audience, I know you want there to be a giant rat face under there, but how can we possibly justify that?  It’s just so ludicrous.  It defies all laws of—naw, just fooling with you!  Here’s your giant fuzzy rat face!

 There is literally no better way for this movie to end.

I must warn you, the Humane Society was not monitoring this set.  As was common with Italian films of the era, no love was shown to the smallest of extras.  Rats are routinely knocked around, flung, kicked, and manhandled.  A few of the poor bastards get roasted in the fire stunts.  By the time Myrna inaccurately whines “we’ve done nothing to them,” we are squarely on the side of the rats.   I hope the official “rat chucker” behind the camera got a few bites on the fingers, at least.

Bruno Mattei (aka Vincent Dawn, aka about a million other pseudonyms) would go on to make dozens more wonderfully terrible movies, including STRIKE COMMANDO, CRUEL JAWS, and TERMINATOR 2 (but not that TERMINATOR 2).  He also took over for Lucio Fulci on ZOMBI 3, which is why the slow moving zombies suddenly turn into kickboxers halfway through.  He made movies right up to the day he died in 2007, at the age of 75.  It was a life well spent.  At the very least, the world should praise him for giving us RATS, and revealing what is truly the deadliest thing to worry about in the apocalypse, utter stupidity.

C Chaka

Frankenstein’s Movie - DOOMSDAY

There are a lot of options out there to satisfy your thirst for post-apocalyptic action.  Try a little After the Bomb highway mayhem.  Maybe a good dystopian future is your thing.  Zombies are always a possibility.  Or, if you're Neil Marshall in 2008, you could just chop it all up and haphazardly sew the pieces into a lurching genre monstrosity called DOOMSDAY.

The Capsule:

Sometime in the early 21 century, Scotland is plagued by the Reaper Virus (note to scientists, don’t let heavy metal bands name your virus).  In order to contain the infection, the British government walls off the entire country.  When the Reaper Virus resurfaces in London 30-odd years later, the government sends an elite military team into the wasteland in search of Dr. Kane (Malcolm McDowell), who was working on a cure.  Led by badass Major Sinclair (Rhona Mitra), the team must battle hordes of cannibal punks and medieval knights (!) through decaying cities, open roadways, and tourist attractions of post-apocalyptic Scotland.  Even if they manage to find a cure and get out, they will have to deal with Canaris (David O'Hara), a nefarious politician who may not have the public’s best interest at heart.

DOOMSDAY is another case of the advantage of going in with super low expectations.  I heard this movie was terrible, even from a person who’s taste is remarkably close to mine (yes, those people do exist).  But I enjoyed director Neil Marshall’s other work, DOG SOLDIERS and especially THE DESCENT, so I figured as long as it wasn’t a bunch of people leaning in the corner pissing themselves for two hours, I would get something out of it.  I am happy to say it is not two hours of people pissing themselves.  It has some serious problems, but despite everything, I kind of dug it.  

This movie can make no claims at originality.  It’s filled with such blatant lifts that it can’t even be called homage with a serious face.  Obviously, I have no problem with rip-offs (see GRIZZLY, THE CAR,
HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP), even unofficial remakes like LOCKOUT.  The interesting thing with DOOMSDAY is that it doesn’t just rip-off one film, it rips-off a half dozen of them and blends them together into an oddball smoothie.  DOOMSDAY is clearly a take on ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and ROAD WARRIOR, but it also has elements of GHOST IN THE SHELL (the anime), ALIENS, 28 DAYS LATER, and most bizarrely, EXCALIBUR.  

It is amusing how brazen Marshall is about his cinematic larceny.   He’s kind of playfully smirking about it.  A Carpenter-esque electronic theme plays when Sinclair is being briefed about sneaking into and escaping from the Scottish surrogate for New York.  Two minor characters are named Carpenter and Miller.  The open roads are filled with MAD MAX cast offs, even though there is no real reason for it.  The scene where Sinclair’s team searches Kane’s seemingly abandoned lab evokes ALIENS so intentionally that they use some of the same dialogue.  Armored Personnel Carriers (APCs)—check, yellow rotating emergency lights—check, close quarter gun battles against silent, relentless foes—check.  The only thing missing was a power loader, and that is just because it suddenly changed gears back to ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK.  

Major Sinclair is more GHOST IN THE SHELL’s Major Motoko than Snake Plissken (although she does occasionally wears an eye patch when she’s using her robot eye to look around corners).   Rhona Mitra—who, it turns out, is not Cate Beckinsale—plays her with an icy proficiency.  She never loses her cool even when she is surrounded by people who want to kill and/or eat her.  The closest she comes is her irritation at the guard who keeps whacking her with his spear while she’s trying to talk, up until the moment she kills him with one blow.  Do not interrupt this woman.

She is such a badass that her boss gives her 46 hours to complete her mission.  If they had given her the full two days, she would have just spent the last two hours waiting at the extraction site, smoking.  They had to make it challenging for her.

Sol (Craig Conway), the chairperson of the Glasgow Cannibal League (not sure if that is the official title), is a kick.  He lacks Issac Hayes’ A1 King of New York coolness, but he makes up for it in batshit showmanship. His court is like a post-apocalyptic Cirque du Soleil, with brawling punks spinning on ropes, fire jugglers, and bikers doing stunts in the center ring.  Sol comes strutting out on stage with his fur lined leather coat and receding Mohawk, The Fine Young Cannibals blaring from the speakers.  He gets the crowd amped up about the impending execution/barbecue of one of his captives by throwing paper plates to the crowd.  It’s more of a symbolic gesture; these guys are more into grabbing handfuls of cooked meat than having a proper picnic.  

In fact, I think the whole cannibal angle is mostly for show.  There don’t seem to be enough non-cannibal affiliated people around for these guys to sustain a full man eating lifestyle.  Plus, it is shown that there are huge herds of wild cows just outside of Glasgow, so they are clearly not desperate for food.  Cannibalism is merely a status thing in Scotland.  Every once in a while they make a big show out of eating a dude.  They are kind of like lapsed Catholics only going to Mass at Christmas.  

Malcolm McDowell’s role is not nearly as meaty (cannibal pun!).  Kane is the standard brilliant scientist driven mad by isolation and paranoia, holding power through ruthless dogma.  He makes grandiose but senseless statements like, “In the land of the infected, the immune man is king.”  Since all the hundreds of survivors in Scotland are immune, doesn’t that make everyone a king?  Clearly people just go along with him because Malcolm McDowell makes everything sound dramatic and important.

More interesting by far is the whacked out medieval world he’s built.  His people haven’t just adopted a simpler way of life, they’ve gone full Renaissance Fair.  There are serfs and blacksmiths and dudes with hay carts.  I think I saw Hodor in one crowd shot.  Sinclair even has a fight with the Black Knight!  I am sure none of the extras had any idea they were in a movie set in the future.  And as soon as they escape the castle, bam, straight into the ROAD WARRIOR.  You could get whiplash from this movie.  

You could also get whiplash from the fight scenes, which unquestionably are the worst thing about the movie.  They are cut so quick and shaky, I had no idea what was going on most of the time.  Sinclair’s fight with Sol’s girlfriend, Tattoo Face (Lee-Anne Liebenberg, officially named Viper, but I’m sure you will agree Tattoo Face is more appropriate), is an absolute nightmare.  It plays out like an epileptic seizure until the moment Tattoo Face gets decapitated.  At least Marshall gave us a moment to appreciate that gag.

The Black Knight fight at least provided a few wide shots that last more than a half second.  This was especially important since the opponents are so unevenly matched (he has a full suit of armor, she has a tank top).  It does establish that she has the advantage of speed and she targets the knight’s weak spots, making her victory at least somewhat plausible, but the whole thing could have been done so much better.  Given that Marshall (and his DP, Sam McCurdy) went on to do some absolutely eye popping fight sequences for Game of Thrones, this seems especially embarrassing.  The problem is more with the editing, my opinion.  This is a great looking movie and many of the shots are beautifully composed.  It's a pity you barely get the chance to see them.

Then there are the ROAD WARRIOR sequences, which have their own issues.  It is a nice juxtaposition to see a bunch of crazy, spiked up wasteland vehicles chasing after a brand new, shiny Bentley, but if you are competing with George Miller at his own game, you are going to lose.  The bad guy’s cars look more conspicuously designed than efficiently and realistically pieced together, and there just isn’t enough creative stunt work.  There are a few nice moments, like when the Bentley drives straight through Sol’s Murderbus.  It’s an impressive endorsement for Bentley, because the car makes it through without a scratch.  Forget muscle cars and tanks, this is the baby you want to be tooling around in after the fall of civilization.  

It’s also a cute touch that Sol has his dead girlfriend propped up beside him in his car, and she keeps getting more and more accidental abuse.  It turns out to be a very misguided gesture of affection.

Even though he stumbles on the action, Marshall sticks to his horror roots and makes it nice and bloody (at least in the unrated version I have).  The squibs are super juicy, heads explode, and the virus makeup is mega gross and boily.  The wide eyed doctor from Sinclair’s team actually stops running for a second just so he can wince when a biker punk has a messy wipeout.  Overall, it is very satisfying.  

Another bright spot in the movie is Sinclair’s boss, Bill Nelson, played by Bob Hoskins.  He’s mostly just in the 28 DAYS LATER style London under siege by the infected scenes, and he plays the same guy Bob Hoskins always plays, but any Bob Hoskins is refreshing.  I love that he represents the Cockney perspective in the austere, upper crust Parliamentary briefings.  He gets to use the phrases “tits-up” and “fuck-all” in the same speech.  It’s a nice counter to Alexander Siddig’s wimpy Prime Minister Hatcher and the overtly evil Canaris.  

In the end [Spoiler], Sinclair gives Nelson the recording she made of Canaris’ boasting about letting all the poor people in London die out before offering the cure to the virus.  The implication being that Nelson will release it to cause a huge public outcry against Canaris.  Because we all know that releasing a recording of damaging statements and showing a cavalier attitude toward abuse of power will end a politician's career instantly.  Unless Canaris explains it was just “locker room talk”.

Extra crazy points for the last scene.  Sinclair has decided to stay in the Scottish Wastelands, for some reason.  She goes back to Glasgow and presents the cannibal punks with Sol’s head.  After a second to reflect, they all cheer and accept Sinclair as their new leader.  I don’t quite see her motivation for doing that, but those guys do seem like a fun bunch and they really know how to throw a barbecue, so why not?  

In keeping with the theme, though, it is a totally rip off of the end of FURY ROAD.  Wait a minute…

C Chaka