Stars Misaligned - NIGHT OF THE COMET

I start this post on my way down to see the first total solar eclipse in America since 1918, along with potentially millions of other astronomic sightseers. America has gone eclipse crazy. Well, as crazy as people get over science these days. It’s going to be the most observed, documented, and analyzed total eclipse in our history. That's a long stretch from the days when superstitious simpletons viewed eclipses as a sign of the end times. Nowadays, science has dispelled all the myths and mumbo jumbo, allowing millions of us to experience the phenomenon without worry. But… as I make my way down South to join the excited crowds of onlookers, I can't help but think of a similar stellar celebration back in the ‘80s that ended poorly for just about everyone except a couple of Valley girls. I'm speaking, of course, about Thom Eberharte’s NIGHT OF THE COMET. 

The Capsule:

A 65 million year old comet is about to pass directly in front of the planet, and it’s going to be the viewing party of the century. Two sisters are going to miss out on all the fun, though.  Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck at work and Samantha (Kelli Maroney) spends the night in a lawn shed after running away from her abusive stepmom.  Turns out it was for the best, since the comet’s tail turns everyone not protected under steel into a pile of red dust. Free from adults, Reg and Sam hit the deserted streets of L.A. for shenanigans and shopping sprees. After running into a hunky fellow survivor, Hector (Robert Beltran), the apocalypse seems to be working out pretty well for them. The only drawback to this brave new world is all those pesky comet zombies running around, hungry for Valley girl flesh. On top of that, a mysterious band of scientists are constantly watching them, and not with the best of intentions.  Reg and Sam may have survived the night, but can they live through what follows?

NIGHT OF THE COMET is a beloved ‘80s horror classic.  It appears often on top cult movie lists.  Many people bring it up as an influence.  Just looking at the poster, with its machine-gun toting cheerleader, brings out the nostalgic love.  The shameful fact is… I don’t really like NIGHT OF THE COMET.

That might come as a shock to those of you familiar with my cinematic tastes.  Given my appreciation for things like SPIDER-MAN 3 and NIGHTMARE WEEKEND, some might be surprised I ever dislike anything.  No one is more surprised than I am.  On paper, NOTC hits all the marks.  Cute, confident female leads who know how to handle themselves, zombies, crazy science, oddball characters, a sly sense of humor, it really should be in my wheelhouse.  Yet, somehow it just doesn’t gel for me.  Oh, I want it to; so much so that I fool myself.  Somehow the more time passes after my last disappointing watch, a revisionist fog settles over my memory.  Someone will bring the movie up, a few cool scenes will flash in my head, and I’ll think, “Yeah, NIGHT OF THE COMET really grew on me.”  Then I’ll watch it again and think, “Goddamn it.”

That selective memory is why I’m writing about it now.  I don’t bother writing about movies I don’t like, but the bastard got me again.  I’m not about to waste a good lead-in hook like the Great Eclipse, and I’m too late [lazy] to review SUNSHINE.  It's okay, I'll make it work.

I’m not totally blind to the movie’s charms, the biggest of which is the cast.  Reg and Sam are fantastic characters, perfectly played by Catherine Mary Stewart and Kelli Maroney.  They are both tough, confident women who know how to take care of themselves.  They may be a little ditzy at times, but they are clever when it counts.  Both keep their shit together remarkably well, given their situation.  They do have a few introspective moments about the dusting of humanity, but since it is established that pretty much all adults suck, the moment passes quickly.  I like the juxtaposition of these SoCal mallrats being so into firearms.  How many movies have a bubbly cheerleader complaining about the inferiority of the Mac 10 compared to an Uzi while she shoots up a car?  Not very many.  Plus, they are a stunning pair, Stewart with her smoky eyes and casual Billy Idol video outfit, Maroney nailing the bratty but adorable kid sister look.

Here’s an artifact from the ‘80s I didn’t notice until this watch.  Maroney, who is supposed to be 16, is the one showing all the skin.  She was really 24 at the time, and it was just a couple of underwear shots, but something about the intent felt a little pervy to me.  It was a simpler time, I suppose.

The cast is further elevated by cult movie legend Mary Woronov, who appeared in many Roger Corman films through the ‘70s and ‘80s.  Woronov stands out in any movie, thanks to her Amazonian height, stunning face, and wry, deadpan humor.  Here she plays Audrey, one of the mysterious scientists who are harvesting the blood of survivors, hoping to find a cure for comet zombification.  Not only is she the only adult in the film who is not an asshole, she is the only person who really seems bothered by the sudden 99.9% extinction of humanity.  

Geoffrey Lewis, playing the head scientist Dr. Carter, doesn’t come off as sympathetically.  He’s got no qualms about draining the blood from a couple of darling (?) little kids to extend his life, all in the name of science, of course.  The mysterious think tank of evil scientists is one of my favorite parts of the movie, if just for the absurdity.  These guys managed to discover exactly why everyone went to dust, what protected the survivors, the exact symptoms of partial comet exposure, and at what rate the condition accelerates, all within about 12 hours. They are the most brilliant scientists ever!  They still get outsmarted by a few teens, though.  

The movie is filled with bits of weirdness.  Some can be attributed to its essential Eighties-ness, like the bunker that inexplicably fills with fog and neon pink backlighting, or Reg calling someone a nerd because he didn’t know Superman couldn’t see through lead.  These bits are lovely.  Other times, though, the weirdness comes from the inconsistent tone, which is harder to enjoy.  Hector (a character that never worked for me) goes back to his family’s house to check for survivors, of which there are none.  As he’s stuffing a few keepsakes into a pillow case (not a fan of suitcases, I guess), he hears someone at the door.  He opens it to find a fully zombified little boy.  The scene leading up to this had a somber mood, and zombie children are always visual code for the cruel unfairness of life, but here it is basically played for laughs.  Sort of like the zombie version of BETTER OFF DEAD’s relentless newspaper delivery boy, but not as funny.

It doesn’t help the tone when Hector rolls up in the next scene dressed in a Santa Claus suit.  It’s nice to get a visual reminder that the movie occurs during Christmas (the weather is no help), but it seems a little insensitive for a guy who was just stepping in his mom’s dust pile.

I could live with the clunky tone and pacing.  My big problem is that it feels too wholesome for an apocalyptic zombie movie.  Director Thom Eberhardt, who previously did the haunting SOLE SURVIVOR and later, um, CAPTAIN RON, pulls back when he should be going all in.  It is frustrating that two such great female leads never really do anything.  

The mall fight scene is a perfect example.  It’s a promising setup.  Reg and Sam are having a shopping montage in a department store as some creepy, gun toting goons leer at them on the surveillance cameras.  There is an instant feeling of menace, mostly provided by Ivan E. Roth, playing the lead goon, Willy.  He’s an actor with the kind of long, gaunt face and wide, expressive mouth that makes him perfect for desiccated corpse roles, although here he’s more unsettling without the make-up (his irritating game show announcer voice nearly blows the effect, though).  It’s clear these guys are scumbags even before we find out they are going zombie as well.  Once the fighting starts, the action is elaborate and well-staged.  Reg doesn’t hesitate to light the place up, and Sam gets in some good kickboxing hits, but they don’t bag a single baddie.  I can understand not wanting to make the girls too bloodthirsty, but zombies are the most guilt free kills around.  It’s practically an act of mercy.  Even Gandhi could off a zombie without looking bad.  

The escape from the scientist’s bunker is a little more satisfying.  Sam and Hector sneak in to save Reg, but she’s already knocked out her guard and is on the way out when they find her.  Zombie Dr. Carter does get a fiery death, but I was really hoping Eberhardt would take a dark twist and make the two annoying child survivors they rescue become zombies at the end.  Alas, no.  Worse, the last scene has Reg and Hector adopting the little bastards (orphans, technically), while Sam rides off with some yuppie in a Mercedes.  Hector even tosses all the guns in the trash, like there's no reason they would ever need them again (um, apocalypse?).  That has to be the worst ending ever.  I don’t want to see Reg and Sam settling down into a cute family unit, I want to see them roaming California in a tricked-out Rolls-Royce, mowing down zombies.  With so much potential, it’s disappointing that it couldn’t come together.

Speaking of disappointing, the Great Eclipse came and went without creating a single eclipse zombie or pile of dust.  Now that I think about it, it´s probably for the best.  In any event, there is another one happening seven years from now.  That’s plenty of time for me to convince myself that deep down, I really like this movie.  

Psych.

C Chaka