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Like everyone, Valentine’s Day makes me think of two things,
obsessive love and murderous jealousy.
Cinematically speaking, at least.
I believe there are one or two fringe movies out there that focus on the
holiday without involving a body count, but no titles come to mind. The gold standard for this time of year is,
of course, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, a movie so good it spawned a sonically
ferocious indie band (My Bloody Valentine) and a 3D remake (MY BLOODY
VALENTINE, BUT IN 3D). Instead of being
obvious, though, I’m going to look at a lesser yet still raggedly entertaining
V-Day film, Cannon Group’s X-RAY (1981).
The Capsule:
Susan stops by the hospital to pick up some test
results. Unfortunately, a lunatic in a
surgical mask and a long-time fixation with her kills her doctor and switches
her x-rays. One of the hospital’s three other
doctors insists she be admitted so they can 1) run more tests, 2) not give her
any details about her sudden life threatening illness, and 3) perform a
lecherous examination. The hospital
becomes stranger and stranger as Susan encounters free roaming drunks,
aggressive nurses, fog filled hallways, and a chorus of deranged old
women. Meanwhile, the love sick lunatic
continues to bump off anyone who could help her leave the hospital. Could he really be Harold, the homicidal nerd
she spurned on Valentine’s Day nineteen years ago? Signs point to yes.
X-RAY, aka HOSPITAL MASSACRE, aka HAROLD REALLY KNOWS HOW TO
HOLD A GRUDGE, isn’t the most Valentine-y
of Valentine’s Day horror movies.
No one gets choked to death with handfuls of chalky heart shaped candy,
no one is shot with arrows, no one gets their actual heart removed. There is a head in a Valentine’s Day cake
box, which is always welcome, but the big connection to the holiday is with the
killer’s motivation. The movie starts
with ten year old Susan enjoying an electric train (the traditional toy of Valentine’s
Day) with her young Leif Garrett looking friend Dave. Shy Harold leaves a Valentine on her
doorstep and spies through the window as she opens it, crushed as she laughs
when she reads his name. He expresses
his frustrations by hanging Dave from a hat rack when she goes to the kitchen,
and then stews silently for nineteen years.
As far as a killer’s traumatic backstory goes, this has to be the most
insignificant, even beating out PIECES’
mom-caught-me-with-a-pornographic-puzzle flipout. Yeah, it was rude, but Susan didn’t even know
Harold was watching. HUGE overreaction
on Harold’s part, in my opinion. 
Since the identity of the killer is obvious from the
beginning, the trick is to figure out which of the hospital staff or patients
is the grown-up Harold. It’s fairly easy
to figure out, especially once the suspect pool starts to thin out, but the
movie throws more red herrings at you than SCREAM. No one in the hospital behaves like a normal
human being. Everyone moves very slowly
and deliberately, everyone leers menacingly.
Even her ex-husband acts suspiciously, and he isn’t even at the
hospital. He just sits around his
apartment with their daughter, ignoring her phone calls and incessantly
stabbing fruit with a pocket knife. If
it wasn’t for her milquetoast boyfriend, I would think Susan’s mere presence
somehow made people go nuts.
This is probably because she unwisely chooses Nightmare
Hospital for her healthcare provider.
Even without the killer, the place is a madhouse. For one thing, it’s one of those huge hospitals
that seems to have a staff of only ten people. Also, none of the patients are there for any discernible reason. A drunk wanders the
halls swigging from a bottle of booze, while accosting Susan at every
opportunity. Susan’s roommates are three
disapproving old women, one of whom is clearly a man in drag (never
acknowledged). When Susan insists a
killer is after her, the overbearing nurses strap her to a gurney. At one point she runs into a tiny room where
three men in full traction are lined up side by side. They begin frantically moaning and waving their
bandaged limbs as soon as they see her. As
far as I can tell, none of this is played for comedy, just weirdness. Seriously, this place is only a couple of rungs
above the vision-of-hell hospital in JACOB’S LADDER. 
X-RAY was directed by Golan & Globus pal Boaz
Davidson, who was admittedly unfamiliar with the horror genre. It shows.
Technically, it’s not bad. The
kills are varied and bloody, the atmosphere is unsettling, and some scenes
deliver a good amount of suspense. It can
be a bit off, though, hilariously so at times.
Ridiculously over the top OMEN style theme music plays whenever Harold
is in evil surgeon mode. One scene has
Susan hiding behind a changing screen as the killer slowly walks past. It’s
nicely cut and full of tension, except that there is more than a foot of open
space between the screen and the floor, where Susan’s legs are painfully
obvious. Lucky for her, Harold is
apparently incapable of looking down. Another
scene has him rushing towards his victim holding a white sheet extended in
front of him. Visually arresting, but
kind of impractical if you want to see where you are going.
It’s also funny that none of the doctors ask Susan any
questions about symptoms, even though her fake x-ray makes it look like she
has a boa constrictor living in her abdomen.
Seems like that would at least be uncomfortable, but no one seems
curious. They just quietly consult with
each other, stare, and make plans to operate.
SPOILER ahead. It
turns out grown up Harold is actually the friendly and handsome internist who
tries to help Susan but keeps mysteriously disappearing. Not
obvious at all, except that he is the only person not behaving like a potential killer. And that his name is Harry. Otherwise, total surprise. I would have loved if the killer turned out
to be the wandering drunk, but there you go.
There’s no mention of why he waited 19 years to avenge his broken
heart. I guess he got distracted for a
while.
So remember, when an awkward, emotionally fragile loner gives you a crudely
drawn declaration of love, let him down easy. He might
grow up, go to medical school, get a successful job at a hospital, wait for you
to coincidentally visit the same hospital for routine test results, murder a
dozen innocent, mostly unrelated people, and try to cut your heart out. It's all part of the game of love.
C Chaka
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