C Chaka Predicts ROGUE 1: A STAR WARS TALE

Just like last year with my THE FORCE AWAKENS predictions, I’ve been under a self-imposed media blackout regarding this new Star Wars joint.  I only saw the first teaser this time, and since there aren’t as many returning characters, I know even less about this one.  I remember a couple of bits and pieces, and know the basic plot, but otherwise, the lion’s share of my statements will be completely unencumbered by facts.  It’s a successful strategy these days.

First of all, this is a midquel.  Sequel to some, prequel to others.  As we know, the Death Star has been in beta ever since Episode II, but it’s just about ready to go public.  The Rebels are worried because anything called the Death Star can’t be good for them.  If the Empire was smart, they would have given it a fake production name like they do for big movies.  The Rebels never would have cared if all the memos and expense reports referred to it is as The Grey Basketball, or The Christmas Ornament.

But now the cat is out of the bag and the Rebels are desperate to get their hands on the plans.  So they bring in this tough talking troublemaker from Obi Wan Kenobi’s home planet (England World, also home of Count Doku and Grand Moff Tarkin) to steal it.  She’s kind of like a space Snake Plissken, but not the Guy Pearce version from LOCKOUT, a girl version. Since the Rebels are the good guys, they probably don’t put a bomb in her neck.  I’m sure they just promise to pardon her and make her a general.  Seriously, they’ll make anybody a general in the Republic/Rebellion.  General Solo, General Skywalker(s).  Pretty sure Chewbacca was a general.  It’s like an honorary degree.

Instead of an ice planet or a desert planet, now there is a beach planet.  Big step up, as far a desirable locations go.  I’m guessing this means Girl Snake Plissken has to go undercover into the Imperial Club Med and steal the plans from a big shot Moff who’s drunk on Space Mai Tais.  There will almost certainly be a speederboat chase, hopefully with some Stormtroopers on Jet Ski speeders.  My fingers are crossed for parrot droids.

Some of those giant robot cows show up and start blasting everything, so things obviously don’t go according to plan.  Donnie Yen jumps in to help Girl Snake Plissken by taking out an entire squad of Stormtroopers with his stick to make up for THE FORCE AWAKENS totally blowng it and not having the guys from THE RAID fight anyone.

With the failure on Beach World, Girl Snake Plissken will have to break into the Death Star construction site, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE style, and get the plans directly.  Hopefully she will have the aid of Simon Pegg as a computer nerd, or Alan Tudyk, the American version of Simon Pegg.  As a twist, she hacks into the master plans and adds a ventilation shaft that leads right to the main reactor, initialing the change with a DV.  All the technicians notice, but no one is brave enough to bring up the flaw because they don’t want to get force choked by Darth Vader, who classically does not respond well to criticism. 

Oh, I heard that Forest Whitaker is in this somewhere.  The most logical explanation is that he is doing a crossover cameo as his character of Ker the Psychlo from BATTLEFIELD EARTH, bring about the long awaited George Lucas/L. Ron Hubbard shared universe.

There may be a few minor deviations, but I’m confident it will go exactly like that.  

C Chaka