The coming of the new Star Wars is nigh, so I thought I’d make my Episode VII predictions. Now, I like to go into a movie knowing as little as possible, which is hard to do for high profile and talked about productions like Star Wars and TED 2. Still, I managed to avoid almost all details about this one. Consequently, my predictions are based entirely on the two teasers that I watched once a year ago, the posters, and the Lego toy line.
We start with Luke Skywalker, who now has a badass beard, so he has most likely become a Jedi biker. He’s talking to some unseen Jedi pledge about the strength of the force. Possibly unrelated, former stormtrooper Finn (also known as Moses from ATTACK THE BLOCK, hopefully using the same accent) chooses a new life path after realizing wearing plastic armor in the desert is a terrible idea. He later becomes a Jedi, which we know because he has a lightsaber in the posters and they don’t just sell that stuff at the Star Wars equivalent of Walmart (WattoMart?). At some point he meets up with Rey, who likes to turn industrial air conditioners into speeders. She fights with a stick, so she’s not a Jedi, but maybe a really attractive Tusken Raider. There’s also a soccer ball robot named BB-8, who is super cute and probably mischievous like all super cute robots are (except WALL-E). They escape the not-Tatooine desert planet with Han Solo and Chewy. Han declares “We’re home,” which obviously refers to the Millennium Falcon, because he seems like the kind of guy who lives out of his car. The bad guys are still the Empire, who have rebranded themselves as the First Order to avoid all the bad PR from blowing up Alderaan and being all tyrants and junk. From the look of the poster, I’d say they’ve built another Death Star, because, come on, it’s got to work this time. The first two were just dry runs. This one has hardly any ports leading directly to the main reactor. The Rebel Alliance, now called the Resistance Alliance because they didn’t want to seem old fashioned, is led by General Princess Leia, who, frankly wasn’t in the teaser a lot. Hopefully she does more than look at display screens and give briefings, because she totally saved everyone’s asses the last time. X-Wing pilot Poe, who will presumably be very emo, mixes it up with the new pimped out TIE fighters (color splash!). The tall chick from GAME OF THRONES plays a cool silver stormtrooper boss who most likely waits all season to help someone and then gets distracted and misses out the second she is actually needed. Finally, there’s a big fight with the new masked Sithy type guy, Rilo Kiley, who is terrible at making lightsabers because his looks like it’s about to short out and has laser crossguards to insure he cuts his own hands off. Unless, of course, it is meant to show how reckless and dangerous he is, kind of like having a suicide clutch on your bike. Wait a minute, maybe under the mask, he’s actually biker Luke Skywalker. No, just kidding, that’s ridiculous. It’s obviously Lando Calrissian.
I’m sure I glossed over a few details, but I’m probably 99% accurate on the rest. I don’t get to see it until Sunday, so no one tell me how right I am until then.