The coming of the new Star Wars is nigh, so I thought I’d
make my Episode VII predictions. Now, I
like to go into a movie knowing as little as possible, which is hard to do for high profile and talked about productions like Star Wars and TED 2. Still, I managed to avoid almost all details
about this one. Consequently, my
predictions are based entirely on the two teasers that I watched once a year
ago, the posters, and the Lego toy line.
We start with Luke Skywalker, who now has a badass beard, so
he has most likely become a Jedi biker. He’s
talking to some unseen Jedi pledge about the strength of the force. Possibly unrelated, former stormtrooper Finn (also
known as Moses from ATTACK THE BLOCK, hopefully using the same accent) chooses a
new life path after realizing wearing plastic armor in the desert is a terrible
idea. He later becomes a Jedi, which we
know because he has a lightsaber in the posters and they don’t just sell that
stuff at the Star Wars equivalent of Walmart (WattoMart?). At some point he meets up with Rey, who likes
to turn industrial air conditioners into speeders. She fights with a stick, so she’s not a Jedi,
but maybe a really attractive Tusken Raider.
There’s also a soccer ball robot named BB-8, who is super cute and
probably mischievous like all super cute robots are (except WALL-E). They escape the not-Tatooine desert planet
with Han Solo and Chewy. Han declares
“We’re home,” which obviously refers to the Millennium Falcon, because he seems
like the kind of guy who lives out of his car.
The bad guys are still the Empire, who have rebranded themselves as the
First Order to avoid all the bad PR from blowing up Alderaan and being all
tyrants and junk. From the look of the
poster, I’d say they’ve built another Death Star, because, come on, it’s got to
work this time. The first two were just
dry runs. This one has hardly any ports
leading directly to the main reactor. The
Rebel Alliance, now called the Resistance Alliance because they didn’t want to
seem old fashioned, is led by General Princess Leia, who, frankly wasn’t in the teaser
a lot. Hopefully she does more than look
at display screens and give briefings, because she totally saved everyone’s
asses the last time. X-Wing pilot Poe,
who will presumably be very emo, mixes it up with the new pimped out TIE
fighters (color splash!). The tall chick
from GAME OF THRONES plays a cool silver stormtrooper boss who most likely
waits all season to help someone and then gets distracted and misses out the
second she is actually needed. Finally,
there’s a big fight with the new masked Sithy type guy, Rilo Kiley, who is
terrible at making lightsabers because his looks like it’s about to short out
and has laser crossguards to insure he cuts his own hands off. Unless, of course, it is meant to show how
reckless and dangerous he is, kind of like having a suicide clutch on your
bike. Wait a minute, maybe under the
mask, he’s actually biker Luke Skywalker.
No, just kidding, that’s ridiculous.
It’s obviously Lando Calrissian.
I’m sure I glossed over a few details, but I’m probably 99%
accurate on the rest. I don’t get to see
it until Sunday, so no one tell me how right I am until then.
C Chaka
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