C Chaka Predicts: Star Wars Part 8

It’s that time again!  Another December, another Star Wars film, another one of my thoroughly unfounded yet eerily accurate story predictions.  Boy, Disney wasn’t kidding when they said they would be releasing a new Star Wars movie every year.  Perhaps I didn’t grasp the scope of that when I decided to make this a tradition.  Somehow, it’s a little less exciting now that we have to wait longer for the next season of Game of Thrones than we do for the next Star Wars tale.  Regardless, I’ve already bought tickets, and my kids and I will be happily dragging my wife along to see it opening weekend.  As always, I have avoided all but the first trailer and tried to block out as much media blitz as possible so my predictions will not be tainted by facts.  Here we go.

 
As we begin, Rey is still on the tiny little secret island from the last movie, learning yoga and breathing exercises from grizzled hobo Jedi, Luke Skywalker.  Practicing the Jedi Foreshadowing technique, she has a vision of General Princess Leia brooding over a computer display, like always.  Then she sees a smoldering, destroyed mask, probably the work of Darth Vader’s emo grandson, Guy Loren, after one of his tantrums.  Then she looks at the sweet driftwood lamp Luke has been working on, and pages through an old book of Star Wars concept art.  This is followed up by more breathing.

Moving on, silver suited Captain Phasma goes on a rampage.  She is angry at being completely wasted in the last movie and not having any cool fight scenes even though she is the awesome Gwendoline Christie.  Feeling unappreciated, she ditches her stormtrooper helmet, revels that she is the daughter of Boba Fett, and tells Emperor Stoke to kiss her tall, chrome ass.  She starts her own bounty hunting crew, along with those pirate guys played by Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian, who also didn’t get any fight scenes last time, despite the fact they are the lead actors from THE RAID, THE BEST ACTION MOVIE EVER MADE!  Together, they take off to star in their own spin-off movie, STAR WARS: CRIMINALLY UNDERUSED, directed by Gareth Evans.
  

Meanwhile, things are not going well for the Rebellion.  Sorry, the Republic.  Resistance!  Expert pilot Poe Dameron is grounded because of he keeps parking his X Wings in bad neighborhoods where they are blown up, and those things are expensive.  He and his soccer ball droid, Beebee, eventually steal a lowly D Wing delivery ship in order to participate in the big space battle with all the other alphabet ships.    

Finn tries to replicate that cool scene from the last movie where the X Wings fly low over the water, kicking up plumes of mist, but he only manages to arrange a bunch of junker spaceships with exhaust problems flying over a salt flat.  He is so disappointed by the results that he retires to his DMX style all white sleep pod with orders not to be woken until the next movie.

However, both he and Poe are picked up by the Millennium Falcon, which is now piloted by Lando Calrissian, because Han left it to him in his will before Rey just presumptuously drove off with it.  He and Chewbacca need help dealing with Emperor Smoke’s dastardly plan of releasing a plague of adorable, but incredibly ferocious space gophers throughout the galaxy.   

The space gophers are just a ruse, though, so the First Order, now known as the Second Order, since the first one didn’t go so well, can finish building their devastating new secret weapon, the Death Pyramid! After a detailed assessment of the numerous unsuccessful Death Stars, the Second Order determine that the singular, fatal design flaw in every variation was roundness.  Thus, this new superweapon is composed of four massive, impervious triangles, each containing state of the art, unguarded access tunnels leading to the highly volatile main reactor.  They are so confident in this new, sure-fire winning design that Emperor Sloke himself moves into an apartment on the Death Pyramid.  Guy Loren opens a metal sculpture shop there, having learned his lightsaber skills are more attuned to welding than dueling.  

Oh, also it is revealed that Emperor Spoke is not, in fact, a giant, but a shriveled-up space hobbit who has been deformed by an ancient magical Sith ring he found while fishing.  He only uses holograms to make himself look bigger due to his crushing insecurities.  The only one who know the truth is his roommate, Guy Loren, who is a terrible confidant because he is always taking selfies.

Back on his tiny rock house in the ocean, Luke Skywalker decides the Jedi must end.  Everyone else has changed their name already, and Luke is not going to let the Sith, or the Ren, make him look old and out of touch (though technically, he has been living on an island in the middle of nowhere for years and is, in fact, old).  He rebrands the Jedi as The Grey, which he says reflects a harmonious balance between the dark and light side, but Rey suspects is more about his badass biker beard, which is, coincidentally, the new The Grey logo.  

Finally, Luke reveals the shocking secret that he is, in fact, Rey’s father, and is super irritated when Rey tells him that, yeah, she pretty much figured that out already.  He keeps asking her if she wants to scream “nooo” or jump off something, but she’s cool.  They go on a father/daughter adventure to the Death Pyramid just before Snote can destroy another one of those city planets that is important for some reason.  Rey defeats Loren and makes him cry, Luke throws Stope’s ring into the volcano planet of Mustifar, and Finn sends a space gopher guided photon torpedo through the access tunnel and blows up the Death Pyramid, much to the surprise of no one.  General Princess Leia is elected Galaxy President, and the third trilogy comes to a triumphant close.  

Wait, 7, 8…

But then, Phasma’s bounty hunter crew freezes everyone in carbonite and sells them to Jabba the Hutt’s nephew, Quonset, leaving only Lupita Nyong'o’s nearsighted digital alien character and C3P0 to rescue them in the next movie.  Cliffhanger!

There you have it folks, what I believe will be my most accurate prediction ever.  Sorry to have spoiled it for everyone.  Schizocinema will return with its regularly scheduled programming next Friday.  Goodnight, and may the Force be ever with you.

C Chaka