Open Wide - THE GATE

I’m a parent, and as a parent, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into the most essential task every parent must face.  Obviously, I’m talking about introducing my offspring to horror movies.  It’s a challenging endeavor.  Start off too lightweight and they can’t get invested.  Go too strong, they have nightmares, and your wife has another reason to kill you (your significant other's reactions may vary).  

Picking the right decade is key.  PG horror from the ‘70s—GRIZZLY, for example—is a poor choice as entry level horror.  “See Timmy, the big bad bear didn’t eat the little boy, it just tore his leg off.  As long as he gets quick medical care, there’s a good chance he won’t die of massive blood loss.” 

Go for the sweet spot, the ‘80s.  For my money, the '80s had the best balance of chills and adventure, nail-biting moments without the permanent psychological scars.  GREMLINS is the gold standard, of course, but along similar lines is the tale of innocent, preteen demon summoning gone wrong, 1987's THE GATE.

The Capsule:

Glen (Stephen Dorff) is going through a rough patch.  His older sister, Al (Christa Denton) wants to spend more time with her lame teen friends than with him.  His parents confiscated all his model rockets after a miscalculated launch almost sets the roof on fire.  His treehouse got demolished in a storm.  And now a gate to hell is opening in his backyard.  Luckily, his best friend, Terry (Louis Tripp), has the answer to closing the gate, thanks to his substantial understanding of heavy metal music.  Unluckily, Terry isn’t very good at incantations, and soon freaky little demons are prowling Glen’s house, looking for a couple of sacrifices to finish the ritual.  When the big boss demon wakes up, the only thing standing in the way of hell on Earth is one grounded 11 year old.

Man, I love THE GATE.  At the time it came out, it was just what I was looking for.  Though I had a taste for horror by then, it hadn’t grown into a full obsession.  I wasn’t too jaded to be insulted by the notion of PG-13 kid’s horror movie.  There’s nothing explicit about it, no gore or nudity, very little swearing.  You could call it wholesome, even.  Glen (lil’ Stephen Dorff, long before he tried to ice skate uphill as Deacon Frost in BLADE) is just a regular kid with a bowl cut.  Terry (lil’ Louis Tripp, back when his teeth were way too large for his tiny mouth) tries to be all metal and dark, but he’s still 100% a suburban dweeb.  Big sis Al initially seems to be gravitating towards the teen tropes of boys and booze, but her close relationship with Glen steers her back to Team Dork. All the wholesomeness works in the movie’s favor, because you don’t want to see these kids get hurt. 

Between all the demons, zombies, and beasties under the bed, there is no shortage of things to hurt them.  In addition to the standard monster movie scares,though, THE GATE also mines more relatable childhood fears, like abandonment, and not being able to protect those you care about.  Sometimes the anxieties are obvious, like the scene when Glen’s parents show up at a stressful moment.  The dad is all smiles when Glen runs up and hugs him, but then yells “You’ve been baaaad!” and starts to strangle the kid.  That is your first clue that it might not really be Glen’s real dad.  The next clue is when Glen pushes his fingers through his dad’s face and goo ruptures out like it was a month old jack-o-lantern.  I think we've all had this dream before.

Other times it can be subtle, like when the family picture Glen passes several times eventually changes to show the rest of his family as bloody corpses.  Glen notices, but chooses to keep it to himself.  Not a great morale booster.

The whole premise relies on some startling coincidences. Terry just so happens to own the super rare Sacrafyx double LP fold-out album with a booklet that describes the exact events that are about to happen, along with instructions to prevent the demon apocalypse.  It is also worth noting that on Terry’s wall covered in heavy metal posters and pentagrams is a lone Duran Duran poster.  I’m not certain this has anything to do with demonic visitations, though.

A lot of the plot conveniences could be chalked up to the mystical influences seeping out of the gate.  There is a higher—or lower—power at work, and each step of the rather lengthy and detailed gate opening ritual falls into place like a Rube Goldberg machine.  The kids first crack open the gate by digging out a geode.  When they take it back to Glen's room and crack it open (it’s filled with smoke and pink neon, as all things in the ‘80s were), it rolls over one of those old magic slate toys, etching an ancient incantation into the surface.  Glen dumbly reads it aloud, just like a kid's version of EVIL DEAD.  (There is also a nod to the Room 237 scene from THE SHINING, when Terry thinks he´s hugging his thought-to-be-dead mom, but it turns out to be Glen’s very dead sheepdog, Angus.)  

Eventually the visions and illusions give way to more physical threats, as a hoard of one foot tall demon minions crawl out of the gate.  I don’t want to be one of those guys who goes on and on about the virtues of practical effects, but this shit is pure magic.  The effects team used a combination of stop motion, guys in suits, and perfectly blended forced perspective to pull off some stunning creature work.  I challenge anyone who even remotely digs monsters not to fall in love with these ugly imp bastards.  

These nether realm half-pints aren’t much of a threat individually (their mouths are even smaller than Terry’s), but when they work as a group, they are full of surprises.  When Al knocks over a zombie workman, the body bursts into a half dozen minions when it hits the floor, like the monster version of kids stacked up under a trench coat pretending to be an adult.  It goes the other way too.  When one minion gets its arm stuck in a door, the arm falls off and breaks into a bunch of maggots that wiggle under the door.  To this day, these are some of the most inventive effects gags I've ever seen.  

Using such an ordinary kid like Glen as the main character really emphasizes the feeling of helplessness and insecurity.  Al is the brave one, taking the danger head on (she even shotguns a zombie).  Terry is the smart one, or at least the one with the ideas.  Glen is powerless to save them, and you can feel his desperation when he’s left all alone.  It’s almost like the demons purposefully ignored him because he’s not worth the effort.  And just when he gets a spark of hope of how he can stop the demons…oh, shit, time to meet the big guy.

I have loved a lot of monsters in my day (metaphorically), and THE GATE’s Demon Lord holds a special spot in my heart.  It is gorgeously modeled, the most impressive stop motion creature this side of Harryhausen.  The design is original and beautifully detailed.  Just as the minions seem believably tiny, the Demon Lord feels massive.  Glen has to be on the second level balcony to even come eye to eye with it.  Four eyes, in fact, six arms, two tentacles, and that’s just the part jutting out of the living room sized hole it rose from.  Who knows how much farther down its serpentine body goes?  

Its interaction with Glen always fascinated me.  The big guy is terrifying and awe inspiring, but it isn’t vicious.  More than anything, it seems to simply be curious when it noticed the petrified boy quaking before it.  It grabs Glen’s hand and dangles him in front of its face, studying him like it never saw a human before.  Then it gently places its hand on Glen’s head for a moment, lets go of him, and withdraws back into its pit. 

I was puzzled.  Had I misjudged this creature?  Did its fearsome appearance belie a deeper intelligence, simply wanting to communicate with humans?  Was there something—HOLY FUCK, IT STUCK AN EYE IN GLEN’S PALM!!!  Okay, so it’s not misunderstood, it’s just an asshole.  Sparing the weakest person just to be its supernatural snitch bitch in the human world  is a serious dick move.   

Glen has no intention of being a seeing eye-hand dog, though, and after an appropriate amount of screaming, he politely declines the Demon Lord’s offer by way of stabbing a shard of glass into his brand new palm peeper.  The big guy doesn't think much of this decision, and soon a very pissed off demon is on his way back up.

Like Terry’s handy demon guidebook, Glen’s plan to close the gate is a bit contrived, but it’s so well executed that I don´t care.  In this case, it’s a reverse Rube Goldberg.  Every time the kid thinks he’s ready, he has to fix another problem, with an enormous, angry-ass demon getting closer every second.  Director Tibor Takács ruthlessly teases out the climax for all it’s worth.  Sure, the solution makes zero sense when you think about it, but it fits the movie's fairy tale logic.

It all wraps up with a [Spoiler] happy ending.  Al and Terry return unharmed.  Glen even gets his dead dog back, but no longer dead.  This isn’t one of those “was it all a dream” cop outs where everything returns to normal, though.  Their house is still totally fucked up.  I don’t know how Glen and Al are going to explain the giant hole in their living room to their parents.  Guaranteed, it’s the last time they let Al babysit.   

So instead of starting your kiddo off with TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE or THE BABADOOK, ease them into bloody waters with something like THE GATE.  It's creepy, innovative fun that will teach them an important lesson: in an emergency, a Barbie doll leg makes an excellent eye gouger.  And also something about bravery or whatnot.  

C Chaka

Growing Into It - THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION

Some movies click with you instantly.  Some fail to connect right from the gate.  Then there are those movies that by every measure you should love, that you want to love, but for some reason you never completely fall for.  Fortunately, the heartbreak doesn’t have to last forever.  Time can’t change a movie’s content or message, but it can change the viewer.  People mature, their values change, their perspectives widen (hopefully).  Revisiting a movie years later may elicit a completely different experience.

I've had to grow into certain movies.  Carpenter films are a perfect example.  BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA hits the bullseye at any age, but you need to have lived a little to appreciate the pacing of THEY LIVE.  THE THING puts the monster right in your face (or wearing your face), but the existential evil of PRINCE OF DARKNESS requires a bit more contemplation.  

It doesn't work for everything.  Every five years or so I come back to NIGHT OF THE COMET certain I’m going to unlock all its joy.  The joy still alludes me.  I know everyone adores it, and Kelli Maroney and Catherine Mary Stewart are amazing, but the story never lives up to the potential.  So, I was nervous returning to another beloved cult classic.  Was I finally ready to sip from the nerd grail that is THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8^TH DIMENSION?

The Capsule:

Neurosurgeon, martial artist, particle physicist, speed racer, and rock singer Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) has just achieved his greatest accomplishment, driving his rocket car straight through a mountain, via a side trip across the 8^th Dimension.  Unfortunately, his well televised success catches the attention of Lord John Whorfin (John Lithgow), a megalomaniacal alien who, 45 years earlier, escaped the 8^th Dimension by way of body-jacking the brilliant scientist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo.  Seeing the opportunity to free the rest of his imprisoned followers, Whorfin sends his Red Lectroid underlings, John O'Connor (Vincent Schiavelli), John Gomez (Dan Hedaya), and John Bigboote (Christopher Lloyd), to kidnap Banzai’s mentor, Professor Hikita (Robert Ito), and steal the oscillation overthruster.  Banzai momentarily thwarts Whorfin's plans, despite being distracted by a suicidal blonde, Penny Priddy (Ellen Barkin), who looks hauntingly like his dead wife.  Meanwhile, a representative from Planet 10, John Parker (Carl Lumbly), brings Banzai and his team an ultimatum from the leader of the Black Lectroids, John Emdall (Rosalind Cash): stop the renegade Whorfin from escaping Earth or her orbiting ship will start World War III.  Also, Jeff Goldblum is dressed like a cowboy.

For so long I wondered why I couldn’t quite gel with BUCKAROO BANZAI.  I was down with other cult films, like REPO MAN and ERASERHEAD, why couldn’t I crack BANZAI?  Well, after 34 years (!), I’m happy to announce that this time, I finally got it.  I can follow the plot, I can sync with the tone, and can get behind the performances.  And yes, it is wonderful.  I also see why my younger self had such a hard time with it.  This movie is so densely packed with crazy it’s like a neutron star.  Before the movie even starts, we're hit with the ridiculous title, the strange graphics, the bizarre Casio theme song, and a delirious text crawl.  It only gets stranger from there.

The world of Buckaroo Banzai is a dizzying mix of clever satire, overacting, underacting, violence, silliness, and heart.  I’m convinced the first draft was crafted by a genius 12-year-old, either confused about how the world really works, or pining for how it ought to work.  Banzai, played with understated brilliance by Weller, is a combination of Sherlock Holmes, Albert Einstein, Captain Kirk, Toshiro Mafune, and Elvis Costello.  He pivots from performing brain surgery, to hosting a science symposium, to rocking out on stage without missing a beat.  He is so well respected that the President of the United States has to schedule an appointment for his time.   He's always ready with a six-gun or a philosophical insight. Weller’s earnest p, without a hint of irony or cynicism, is what keeps the rest of the insanity comfortably riding the rails. Banzai is unflappable, whether he’s squaring off against aliens or stopping a rollicking rock show to quiet the tears of a despondent woman.  If all action heroes were this centered, they could get a lot more accomplished.

This movie has one of the largest ensemble casts I’ve ever seen.  Banzai’s entourage alone is gigantic, ranging from his band/compatriots, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, to a robust support staff of technicians and guards, to a nationwide civilian task force, the Blue Blazer Irregulars, who can be called upon at a moment’s notice.  Add in the different factions of Lectroids and a DR. STRANGELOVE-esque contingency from the US government and you should be drowning in character soup.  Director W.D. Richter does an incredible job of constantly juggling the cast so that everyone, from a simple mental ward orderly (Jonathan Banks, Mike from Breaking Bad!), to a machine gun toting junior Blazer (Damon Hines), has a memorable part.  The characters are so distinct, like Banzai's manager Rawhide (Clancy Brown), that their presence adds up to more than their scant screen time.

Almost as important as Buckaroo himself is New Jersey, played to perfection by Jeff Goldblum.  As the newest addition to Buckaroo’s crew, New Jersey is the audience’s surrogate.  While Perfect Tommy (Lewis Smith) and Reno (Pepe Serna) have a jaded, seen-it-all attitude, New Jersey is in a continual state of bewilderment.  On his first day, he shows up in a ridiculous cowboy getup, not because it’s meaningful or he wants to, but because he thinks it’s appropriate for the crowd.  We've all been there.  He’s the guy we can relate to, the guy who asks why there is a watermelon randomly hooked up to a gizmo in Banzai headquarters.  Like us, he’s just trying to figure out what the shit is going on.  

If Banzai is on one end of the composure scale, then Lord John Whorfin is at the extreme opposite end.  John Lithgow gives the looniest performance of his life, which is no small feat, given his colorful history.  Appropriately enough, Whorfin is introduced in the nuthouse, hooking electrodes to his tongue to experience flashbacks.  Inheriting his host body’s Italian accent and a faulty recollection of popular sayings (“home is where your wear your hat”), Whorfin babbles like Geppetto on meth.  Lithgow is at 100% mania from start to finish, which might be why I had a hard time with this movie in my youth.  Whorfin is a lot to handle.  Like Weller, though, Lithgow totally commits to the role, leaving no room for knowing winks.  Unlike all the other Lectroids, we never see Whorfin’s true alien visage, since no amount of makeup could be more convincingly alien than Lithgow’s physical performance. 

The thing I didn’t entirely put together until recently is that even though John Emdall, leader of the the Black Lectroids, considers Whorfin to be great threat to her planet (she equates him to “your Hitler”), the maniacal criminal is, for the most part, completely incompetent.  The same can be said for all the Red Lectroids. The mothership they have spent years constructing is hobbled together from junk.  Their secret base at the Yoyodine Propulsion Systems factory looks more like a squatters’ camp.  Either they have really slacked off during their exile on Earth, or John Emdall is seriously overreacting. These losers couldn’t take over a Denny’s, much less a whole planet.

The one exception is Whorfin’s put upon lieutenant, John Bigboote.  He is a bit like New Jersey in that he seems to be the only one concerned about the madness around him.  While New Jersey is free speak his frequently blown mind, Bigboote is forced to grumble to himself, because no one listens.  Either his partner John O'Connor is too preoccupied with torturing a scantily clad Penny Priddy (in a weirdly kinky plot point), or his boss is too busy being a ranting nutjob.  Adding to the insult, Whorfin goes out of his way to torment him, like always pronouncing his name as “Big Boody,” no matter how many times he is corrected (“Boo-ta!  Ta! Ta!”).  When a frustrated Whorfin screams at him “You’re the weakest individual I ever know,” Bigboote can only express his impotent rage by giving him the finger when he turns his back.  Take your petty vengeance where you can, John Bigboote.
 

Tucked away under all the flash and circumstance are a few surprisingly progressive elements for a 1984 sci-fi farce.  Barkin’s Penny Priddy seems like a typical ditzy blonde love interest when first introduced crying in a nightclub.  While she certainly has her ditzy moments, Penny is a tough, resourceful, and brave addition to the team.  She also has at least a passing understanding of quantum mechanics, so she is more than meets the eye.  And while there are precious few other female roles in the enormous cast, at least Rosalind Cash gets to be the leader of a whole planet.

Although Black and Red Lectroids look the same as aliens, it seemed a tad insensitive that all the Black Lectroids in human disguise were given Jamaican accents and dreads.  Looking closer, though, it’s more of a quietly subversive wink.  The good guy aliens, played by black actors, are technically advanced, organized, and have a very funky fashion sense (John Parker is dressed like Rick James).  The bad guy aliens, all played by white actors, are the exact opposite.  Their inventions barely function, they are constantly bickering or goofing off, and they all dress like insurance salesmen.  No one ever brings this up, except the doofy president (Ronald Lacey), who thinks John Parker is talking about starting a race war rather than fighting aliens.  Everyone just ignores him, because we all know what doofy presidents can be like.

Maybe I just wasn’t ready for Buckaroo Banzai’s mind-bending, comic book Zen back in 1984.  Unfortunately, I was not alone.  The movie bombed at the box office, and even though the credits assured us it would, the next adventure never came.  It's a shame, because no one can watch the ending sequence, where Buckaroo's crew triumphantly join him on a march down the L.A. Basin, without longing to see what happens next.  Crazier things have happened, though, so maybe one day we will get to see Buckaroo Banzai against the World Crime League.  I'm sure Goldblum wouldn't mind breaking out the woolly chaps one more time.

C Chaka